Bad Dreams
by Sailorcelestial
Summary: They all think I’m fine. I guess that’s okay. I mean, I want them to think that. I AM fine. I don’t want anyone hanging over me trying to make me talk about it or telling me I’m a victim. I’m not a victim. I let them do it. How does that make me a victim?


**Author's Notes:** I am such a goober. And a dumbass. I don't even know why I like _Gravitation_. All I know is that volume four makes me actually start to respect Shuichi. So if you haven't gotten to volume four yet, don't read, 'cause this vignette is one big spoiler.

**Disclaimer:** _Gravitation_ and all related characters do not belong to me. They belong to Murakami Maki. I don't really like _Gravitation_ either. I'm just stupid. And have a morbid fascination with the subject found within this vignette.

**Other:** The second I delete my mailing list in the idea of not writing fan fiction again for a while, I write this. BAH! BAH I TELL YOU!

**Bad Dreams**

By Sailorcelestial

They all think I'm fine. I guess that's okay. I mean, I want them to think that. I AM fine. I don't want anyone hanging over me trying to make me talk about it or telling me I'm a victim. I'm not a victim. I let them do it. How does that make me a victim? Really, you can't even call it rape. I guess. I don't know.

Beside me, Yuki is sleeping. I love watching him sleep. His face is so calm when he sleeps, so peaceful. Every once in a while he has a bad dream, but I do my best to chase those nightmares away. Nothing can hurt my Yuki if I can help it. Nothing at all, not dreams or the press, not even stupid sourpuss singers from rival bands. Geez, what WAS that guy's problem, anyway? What the hell was so wrong with him that he had to do what he did?

My stomach starts to quiver just a little, and I feel my hands and arms begin to shake. It happens sometimes, when I can't help but think about that night. I told them to do it, I know I did, but it still hurt. They wanted it to hurt, and made sure it did. Sometimesthe really bad times, when I think about it too much or for too longthe pain actually comes back. Not as bad, not nearly as bad as it was when they did it, but very vaguely I feel an ache where it shouldn't ache. This time isn't so bad, not yet. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my shaking arms around them, trying to stop thinking. It doesn't help, and my throat starts to close. No, I can't cry, I can't wake up Yuki! He's tired, he needs to sleep!

It's so easy out there in the world. All I have to do is focus on singing, on the music, or on whatever TV show or publicity stunt that's been set up. If I can keep my mind on something, anything else then I'm all right.

But it's night now, it's quiet, and I'm alone except for Yuki's even breathing and my own memory. I can't sleep, and I can't forget.

"I'm fine!"

My own voice mocks me.

"If your life is so sad you need a little of this to be happy, how could I say no?"

Part of me screams, asks how could I have been so _stupid_! Was I thinking they would let me go just to prove they didn't have to hurt me to be men? Did I think they would chicken out and just beat me?

The rest of me knows better. The rest of me knows I wasn't thinking of anything except Yuki. I really didn't care what they did to me so long as I thought I could keep them from ruining Yuki. Even when they held me down, even when they made me cry. Even when they held my head up by my hair to make me look into the camera, I didn't care. I just kept thinking about Yuki and how I couldn't let them hurt him.

Now, though, now when I remember it, all I can think about is the pain, the humiliation. If only I hadn't insisted on living with Yuki, I would be in my own room, alone, and could cry!

Why can't I just forget it? Why can't I just accept that it happened, they're gone, Aizawa-san is gone, and Yuki is safe just like I wanted. It's fine, I'm fine! So why can't I stop shaking! It's never been this bad before now, and it's been weeks. My whole body is shaking now, feel the pain, and my eyes sting with tears. I can't cry, not here. I should at least go to the bathroom where I can't disturb Yuki.

Very slowly I start to uncurl, pausing only to stifle a hiccupping sob. I'm almost off the bed when a hand suddenly grabs my wrist, and I can't help the flinch and whimper that escape. I freeze, knowing even as I do that there is no reason to be afraid. It's just Yuki, I woke him. But he doesn't speak immediately, and I'm still shaking, and can feel tears on my face.

"Where are you going?" he finally asks. He's half asleep still, but his voice is so smooth. If it weren't for my current state, I would melt like I usually do. As it is, I shrug and try to slip my wrist from his grip.

"Just the bathroom. Gotta pee." It isn't so easy to get away from him though, and the silence that follows only makes things worse. I can feel his eyes on me in the dark even though I can't see them, and for some reason I can't stand the thought of Yuki looking at me. "I really gotta pee."

"Right."

Instead of letting me go, he pulls me back onto the bed. My chest tightens, and thought I know it's Yuki, when his arms come around my waist, my breath shortens in a way not connected with lust. I don't want him to touch me, not now, not when I've been thinking about what those assholes did to me!

"Y-Yuki, please, I just"

"Shut up, dumbass."

He pulls me to him completely, my back against his stomach, and his arms come around my shaking body. I whimper again. God, what an idiot I am! I love him, but I'm afraid of letting him touch me! Swallowing, I close my eyes and wait for his lips on my neck and shoulders. I wait for him to caress me in that way I love so much but just can't handle right now. I wait, and keep waiting.

Yuki's face buries in the crook of my neck and shoulder, but he doesn't kiss me. He sighs, the feel of his breath on my skin making me shiver just slightly in a pleasant way. None of those assholes did that; they couldn't be bothered to be gentle with me. It's strange, Yuki being gentle, though he can be when he wants. That's usually only during sex, though. Now, as his arms tighten even more around me, somehow I sense sex isn't what he's after.

"It's okay, you know."

"Wh-What?"

"To cry. It's okay for you to cry."

I can't believe this. I just want everyone to leave it and me alone and let me cry by myself!

"N-No, I'm okay. Really, Yuki, I'm f-fine, I just"

"Stop it. You're not fine. You couldn't be fine after that. Just cry already."

I shrug, or try to, not very free to move in the position we're in. "I did, at first. Ask Hiro."

"Since then?"

Why is he doing this to me? Why is he asking, why can't he just let it go, let me go? All I need is to get to the bathroom and lock myself inside and be alone!

"I don't"

I feel his teeth in my skin suddenly, not very hard, but hard enough to make me cry out. His hands begin to wander. He's touched me in all these places before, and he's even bitten me before, but my mind plays tricks on me. He's behind me, I can't see his face. I know it's him but I need to see his face!

"Yuki, s-stop!" My fingers close around his arm, I can feel the skin and even the bone under my fingers as I try to force him to let go of me. It doesn't take much, though. He stops when I ask, and sits up. As he shifts his body around to my other side so we're looking at each other, my legs bend again without my consent, putting them between us. His hand comes up to my cheek. I love it when he touches me so gently, but I flinch anyway.

"Stop pretending. I know better. I can tell."

He's such an ass! All cold and uncaring one minute, and gentle and loving the next! Which is the real Yuki? Does he care about me or not? Why is he torturing me like this?

"Shuichi," he says as his fingers stroke my cheek, "no one would hold it against you. You were raped. It's horrible, and it's worth crying over."

"No I wasn't! I told them to do it! I let them do it, that's not"

Yuki's hand goes around, grips my hair, and he jerks me forward. He's really pissed! I don't know why he's so pissed off, but I know I don't want to be the brunt of his anger. My hands come between us to rest on his chest and push against him. I need to get away before he decides if he's going to yell at me or throw me out or maybe just punch me. I wouldn't put it past him.

He doesn't do any of that.

"You're such a moron."

His arms come around my struggling form, so tender in their tension about me that I stop trying to push him away. What is he doing? I'm so confused, especially now that one of his hands runs over my hair. It's like . . . is he . . . trying to comfort me? The movement is so relaxing I can't help but let my eyes close just a little, and the stiffness melts from my muscles. I don't know how long this relationship with Yuki will last, or how long he will be so nice to me, so my body finally gives in to my heart and allows me to soften in his embrace.

"Yuki . . . ."

"I don't deserve this. You shouldn't have let them do anything to you, not for my sake. I never wanted you to."

"It's not like they were going to let me call you and ask." Geez.

"Are you really that stupid, or are you being purposefully dense?" Yuki's hands grip my shoulders and he pushes me out at arms length, shaking me just a little. I swallow, looking down from the sharp lines of his shadowed face. "It doesn't matter what you told them, or that you let them. What matters is they put you in a situation where you thought you had no other choice, which was stupid to begin with, and that you didn't WANT to have sex with them. You're hurting, Shuichi. It's okay for you to hurt, and okay for you to cry."

I think that's the most Yuki's ever said to me at one time. I'm so shocked at that it takes me a moment to realize what he said. YUKI is telling me it's okay for me to cry? He hates it when I cry!

His arms pull me close again, and this time I feel my own going around his waist without my thinking about it. It's just so strange, this being comforted by Yuki, but I want it so much. I love him, and everything I do is for him, everything I let those assholes do to me was for him. But now he's telling me he wishes I hadn't. Tears sting my eyes again, but this time I let them fall without trying to stop them. His pajama shirt makes a good handhold, and I grip the material tight as my carefully built walls against this pain crumble.

"I-I-I just w-wanted to p-prot-tect you! I love you, and I w-want to protect you!"

I'm used to the silence that follows, and I'm grateful for it as my words collapse into incoherent blubbering. No matter how much I've cried in front of Yuki before, this time is different. This time, I'm really hurting. I hurt inside, in the deepest places of me, in my chest and in places I couldn't imagine hurting before a few weeks ago, and I hurt in a vague place I can only define as 'Me,' a place not mind, heart, or body. Everything hurts so much, all because of one man's jealousy. And what for? I don't even have half the talent of Sakuma-san, and everyone knows that. How could Aizawa-san have been so jealous! Even if I DID have the talent to be worth his jealousy, I wouldn't have deserved the humiliation of being raped and photographed!

I cling to Yuki as all the pain that's built up over weeks of denial spills out. Yeah, like I told him, I cried that once in front of Hiro right after it happened, but not since then, not about this; for Yuki, not for myself. I'm finally crying for myself. To my surprise, once I'm able to really think and feel again, the pain inside me has lessened with the flow of tears.

The last of the pain shatters when Yuki finally speaks again, in a low and gentle voice, telling me something I never thought I'd hear.

"It's my turn. I'll protect you from now on."

End.


End file.
